Oscar rants

Are you ready …. without my old film friends from Seattle, I’m going to have to bitch through the Oscars, MST3000 style, via this blog post. And away we go ….
(almost all images from WireImages)

Barbara Walters kissing Harrison Ford’s ass. Give it up BaWa, he’s bouncin’ with stick-figure Calista now. She gushed that nothing has changed with his looks except the earring recommended by Jimmy Buffet. Are you joking? Go rent Indian Jones (the original, which still remains one of my favorite substitute-for-porn films for the female fantasy world I sometimes live in). The current version of Ford, while humble and caring, is rather weathered given all those planes, trucks, horses, and airplanes he’s had to bring under control. Advice to all mid-life crisis men, including the late Ed Bradley, DO NOT get an earring; taking style advise from Jimmy Buffett is ill advised. They don’t call his fans Parrotheads ‘cause they're smart.

Milking the popularity of Miley Cyrus. BaWa will stoop to new levels to keep her job.

Regis having no clue about the Notre Dame game when Clooney takes him off script – is Regis deaf? OMG, George’s gf is wearing 1930s wallpaper for a dress! And that haircolor only comes in a box. Bet she doesn’t have carpet to worry about matching, I guess. Didn’t he know how good I look in a snug backless number? That should have been me on his arm L Ah George, when will you drop that restraining order so I can get a little closer?

Jennifer Garner praising her stylist while sporting horrible bangs that hide her beautiful eyes and face. She is squishing out of her black crinkly strapless dress. Her boobs ooze out the top like a white trash girl in a tube top. But dang, that is one booTful necklace.

John Travolta with spray-on hair.

Regis pushing kid-crack drug Miley Cyrus – oh yeah, Disney = ABC = commercial advertising of merchandise dressed up as teen artistry.

Daniel Day Lewis looking grey and oh-so-not hot like he should … with his wife wearing a large black gem blob where cleavage should be and red bows where bare shoulders should be.

Regis interviewing bleacher fan Sarah Golden for the senior crowd. Sarah - yellow is not a good color for you.

Argh! More Miley Cyrus being commoditized

Ah, a refreshing Ellen Page.

Hillary Swank looking regal which is hard to pull off with a shoulder strapped black lace dress and huge horse-mouth teeth.

Regis hanging out with Enchanted songsters who look more like teamsters? Oh, he just wanted to showcase the Bavarian and wedding girls! He knows a few by name? Should his wife be concerned or it that his earpiece giving him cues?

Argh, Regis behind the scenes still, now with the conductor talking about smoke … probably a musician tokin’ up for the performance.

AH, Regis pronouncing Javier Bardem as X-avier! Yikes.

YEAH! End of the inane pre-show banter. Please give me John Stewart. It’s Hollywood for God’s sake … go with the good Jewish humor. Get rid of this morning show coffee klatch junk.

Huh? Weird montage of Arnold as UPS driver speeding through iconic film moments – King Kong, North by Northwest, Jurassic Park, Aliens, lots of aliens and monsters, on and on - to deliver the Oscars? Not sure what that was about.

John, I love you. “Thank God for teen pregnancy.”

John, I hate you ... voting Dem, Obama name jokes, losing it …

Obligatory cut to Jack Nicholson, the only update to his look is switching traditional Ray-Ban sunglasses to a wrap-around set. Guess he needs sunglasses indoors to shield him from the rays of stage lights ... or is it cataract surgery?

Dennis Hopper drug-zoned joke. Semi-funny.

Olympia Dukakis stripper joke not as funny as the “I hope you’re enjoying the pay cut” to stripper (excuse me, exotic dancer) -turned-writer Diablo Cody.

Overall, sort of tepid opening.

Yikes! Jennifer Garner, presenting for costume design, looks like a human black-feathered dust mop, only appreciated by cleaning porno-freaks. That hair dropping into your face – yikes – did you learn nothing from Donald Trump! Elizabeth wins. Ugly! The winner is wearing a HUGE, drapey, old-lady Liberty of London scarf for a dress.

George Clooney tripping over teleprompter lines while introducing obligatory clips from prior 80-years-worth of Oscar shows. Snooze … except for the Chris Rock segment.

Get Smart must be a Disney flick because here comes Ann Hathaway and Steve Carrell. WoW! Ann Hathaway looks fabulous in red with cascading roses, very romantic and feminine with glowing face – super lovely. Animated Feature Oscar goes to Ratatouille. Yeah! This was a great film, period.

Kathryn Heigel, nervous but adorable. Unfortunately in one-shoulder red dress - the color is wrong for her with matching big red lips EEK, clownface; her hair is a mess of sprayed short curls. At least she gets the pronunciation of the French names wonderfully when La Vie en Rose wins for MakeUp.

Boring song for Enchanted – Happy Working Song? Is this Snow White on meth?

Montage of Katherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas – ick, he looks so much older than her now it seems rather pervy … and the ? inadvertent ? joke from her about not being around when he got his Oscar … he replies that she had been born, though.

The Rock? Presenting? Oh yeah, he was in some Disney flick, wasn't he? Golden Compass wins for Visual Effects – really crappy movie – I thought the water rapid scenes in Ratatouille were better.

Cate Blanchett looking very preggers in a purple V-neck number O-Mighty Isis would be proud to wear. Art Direction goes to Sweeny Todd. You get an Oscar for grey-themed London? London is grey. Bleck. And what is wrong with that woman’s face? Stop with the plastic surgery when your eyebrows are where your hairline should start.

A rundown clip of too many past Supporting Actor winners … why? Why, in the love for time, do we have to sit through this crap and Cuba Gooding reprising his Jerry McGuire role? Was that a Disney film? If I wanted to see old Oscar shows, I’d rent the DVDs. Just put up a picture of the damn signature mouse, run the DisneyWorld vacation ads and get on with the show!

Next up, Supporting Actor. Jennifer Hudson, thankfully, is wearing white … another contender for Isis or WonderWoman’s sisters on the Island. No, wait, she'd Betty Rubble from the Flintstones! Javier Bardem’s Anton Sugar in No Country for Old Men really should be nominated as a Leading Actor role. Of course the AARP vote splits between Holdbrook and Wilkenson so Javier scores a deserved win. In Spanish, he thanks his mom, grandparents, father, something about "this was for Spain and all the people in Spain" – most of the Cali audience could probably understand his speech; it is the state language, right?

Quick witted John comes back with a translation, “I think he gave his mom directions to the library.”

Huh? Javier kisses him mom on the lips – ugh – but at least he didn’t linger. Flashback to Angelina Jolie and her brother … creepy.

Not-so-funny montages – binoculars & periscopes, bad dream wakeups – silly but time wasted.

Fabulous Keri Russell looking glowing in a candle-gold strapless ball-gown with a mod three-strand sparkly rock necklace, nicely but softly pulled back hairdo.

I’m back in a Harlem revival church with a gospel choir from August Rush? Huh? I missed something. Is that a film? When was that released. And here I thought I saw all the Academy nominated films. At least the little girl can sing!

Owen Wilson is out of rehab? Wow, that’s some styled Breck-fluffy golden hair. Live Action shorts – which I actually saw – goes to The Mozart of Pickpockets – sigh. It should have gone to Tango Argentine.

Bee Movie? Was that Disney? Oh, a chance for a bees-in-film montage. Really, do we need this many montages? Animated Short film, I get it now! Peter and the Wolf win. Red dress again – that is the color de jour for the ladies tonight. The dude brought up the doll? Weird.

Grrr, another montage of past winners for Best Supporting Actresses. Alan Arkin presents. If Cate Blanchett doesn’t win for her portrayal of Bob Dylan in I’m Not There, the Academy is senile. WHAT! Tilda Swinton wins for Michael Clayton????????? She barked her lines and rubbed her sweaty armpits like SNL’s Superstar Catholic Girl. She is a great actress but an Oscar for this role? And she looks horrid in some black velvet caped thing – making a joke about Clooney’s rubber nippled Batman suit when she herself looks like a bat. Pale skin, little beady eyes, black wing - she's one-armed batgirl! It is confirmed – George has the Academy by the balls.

OMG, I now know why there are all the red dresses! The Coke commercial just clued me in. It is part of that damn women’s heart charity thing started by Mrs. Ditzhead Bush. You can enter to win Heidi Klum’s red carpet red dress – like anyone could ever make that dress look as good as her – get out!

Jessica Alba in purple chiffon and feathers describes the very boring job of presenting for technical awards which, of course, were given out prior to the main show – cause it is always best to push the geeks into a corner as to not dim the wattage from the celebrity show. Alba looks lovely and you can’t really tell she’s pregnant in the nicely draped chifon ... and great color for her!

Josh Brolin and the brogue guy from Atonement, (James McAvoy?) present for Adapted Screenplay. Coens win, for No Country for Old Men which is OK but I would have preferred Anderson’s update for Upton Sinclair’s book Oil - There Will Be Blood. Opps, did the ‘other’ Coen forget what to say … stutter, and just “Thanks.” Actually, that was nice and refreshing. Thanking agents, loved ones, cast, teachers, Jesus, God, Ganesh, and anyone they ever met gets rather boring. Then cut to the book author, Cormac McArthy. Guess they really couldn’t do that for Upton Sinclair without violating some laws.

Clips on Academy voting? John Stewart was NOT joking - they were preparing this filler material in case the writer’s strike hadn’t ended!

Miley Cyrus AGAIN! Are they trying to torture me? For those on the West coast, you’ll get to see more of her, much more, during the Barbara Walter’s suck-up interview piece.

More singing, to bongo drums. The singer is dancing about in a strange crepe-paper strapless dress that looks a bit like a craft project. The top seems to stand on its own. Dancing, flipping guys, brides, mariachis and a Jimmy Cliff impersonator try to jazz things up. Is that Chenoweth singing? They let her leave Broadway for this junk?

Baby joke … Angelina Jolie wins.

Fat, curly headed guys from those stupid male-idiot flicks, Knocked Up and Superbad, scat a bit giving fat, horny, Jewish boys something to hope for. Bourne Ultimatum wins for Sound Editing. Sensitive ponytail man with earring (don’t you only need one of those to nail your stereotype?) and semi-large woman trip over their acceptance speech. Bourne Ultimatum wins for Sound Mixing. Note to film maker, hire the most Academy members for your film and you can win an Oscars, maybe two, at least in the minor categories.

ANOTHER montage of past best actress winners. OMG, Marlin Matlin looked horrid in purple lace, bad hair and glasses for her win. Bet she'll always regret that look forever burned into Oscar history. Forest Whitaker works the stage. Reminds me, what the hell happened to The Great Debaters? Oh yeah, that was a great film with a great cast that looks nothing like Academy voters. Thank goodness the country is more open to Presidential candidates with more color.

Marion Cotillard wins for La Vie en Rose! What a steal! Those old Academy coots love French women. We have a new replacement for Juliette Binoche. She looks a little weird in her white, fish-scale, mermaid swimsuit gown designed by the very theatrical, avant garde designer Gaultier. Well, at least it wasn’t a swan.

John playing some video tennis game with someone – a teen star, perhaps a Disney girl? Not sure. Is this game produced by Disney? Why?

Colin Farrell looking a little greasy and scruffy but I’d still smooch him. I’m a sucker for the accent. Ah, my favorite song – from Once. I saw them (Swell Season) at Gramercy Theater on 23^rd St. They are great musicians and the film was pure loveliness. It was the most romantic film of the year … right after Transformers. Huh? Did they make them shorten the song?

Onto Jack. Are they required to always bring him out for the Oscars. I do love how he sort of chuckles to fill space instead of saying UH or SO or LIKE. Maybe I should try working that into my speech pattern.

Best Picture montage again. What’s the count now? Eight or nine? I’m losing count.

Rene Zellweger arrives in very tight silver strapless gown that, in miniature, could be a curvy Christmas tree ornament. She looks beautiful but the color sort of washes her out a bit. At least there are no huge red clown lips or bangs hiding her face. Sound editing goes to Bourne Ultimatum.

OMG, some of the tinsel came off of Rene’s dress and Nicole Kidman is wearing it as a necklace. She introduces Robert Boyle (not the Boyle’s Law guy but the art director) - Lifetime Achievement winner. Boy, he talks very slowly. But I loved the short film showing some of my favorite sets from Hitchcock films. This was the only really correct place to use the montage.

Penelope Cruz continues the black feather duster dress contest with a strapless number with actual feathers gracing the edges and strange draping before flaring out for the bottom. Ah, she’s so gorgeous; she could wear a turtle shell and still look radiant … and I’d still made jokes about the dress. Austria wins Best Foreign Film with The Counterfeiter.

Ah, eye-candy McDreamy Patrick Demsey arrives to introduce … another Enchanted song? How many songs were in this film? Are they all nominated? Help! I’m sucked into a Disney ballroom scene. All the preteen girls have gone to bed by now; why subject us adults to this? Perhaps this is some fantasy for all those potential brides who like to get married in the Castle at Disney World. They pay big bucks for that, I kid you not. I even saw Disney pimping young preteens and a few mentally retarded adults at the Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique.

John 'e-meter' Travolta arrives with spray-on hair to announce the winners Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova for Best Song. Yeah! They are really moved and emotional. John Stewart makes light of his speech (the Academy rudely cut her off) saying, “Boy is he arrogant.”

Joke about John Travolta’s plane having its lights on.

Yeah! John brings out Marketa because she was rudely cut off. True gentleman. She gives cheers to small, independent artists. One small voice for hope. Love it.

John jokes about Glen and Marketa having the Oscar’s kissing … "but they’re two men" ... "but it's Hollywood."

Cameron Diaz stumbles over pronouncing ‘cinematography’ but jokes very well through it. Cinematography goes rightfully to There Will Be Blood. Love that film.

I have to get out my hanky … time for the dead people montage. Wonder how the crowd will react to Heath Ledger. Miss Moneypenny? She was da bomb! Talent agents? I guess we need them to put the stars in roles. Hmm. Deborah Kerr’s Eternity and Affair will always be classics. They ended with Heath. That seemed rather concise and quick. What’s the count now with montages? Nine?

At least this year’s Oscar stage is rather normal – just circles, ovals, and soft blue light with silver accenting. No overdosing on gold. It was weird having John enter via the center stage tube thing.

Amy Adams in a strange dark green strapless dress with bra-like reinforced bodice announces Atonement the winner for Original Score.

Tom Hanks introduces Bagdad military soldiers to introduce nominees for documentary short. Huh? Why? Is this some ‘salute to our troops’ b.s.? It is annoying. Freeheld wins. Guess it is about same-sex marriage. At thirty-eight minutes, that doesn’t seem short. Taxi to the Dark Side wins for feature documentary. Oh, they must have known a critical film about military torture would win so they’d balance the politics with the shorts nominations read by soldiers? Whatever.

Harrison Ford is looking old and he seems to be talking a bit slow. Best Screenplay goes to Diablo Cody. Those old fart Academy guys just loved voting for a former stripper – heck, they probably enjoyed her show at one point in time. But I gotta agree it was a fun script. She, however, is dressed in a horrid leopard print thing that she borrowed from Wilma Flintstone. Unfortunately her HUGE arm tattoo clashed with the outfit and the dress billowed open when she walked causing her to grab it trying to hide her legs in modesty … but isn’t she comfy showing skin? Honestly, she may have looked a bit trashy but her heart shone through in her acceptance speech, tears welling up, honestly honored by the award and ever so humble. Big KUDOS for a job well done. See, women can write great stuff! Tamara Murphy and Nancy Oliver were also nominated; yeah! Take notice Hollywood.

Montage 27: past best actors. Helen Miriam presents wearing a weird red dress (another charity thing?) with silver lace sleeves. Ick. She usually has such great style but this looks like a silver spider tried to make a meal of her arms. Damn, why couldn’t they show the naked fight scene for Viggo Mortensen. Daniel Day Lewis deservedly wins. He kneels before Helen for an Oscar knighting. What is with the silver earring hoops? I hope that is for some role he has.

Montage 101: directors. In tradition, last year’s winner, Martin Scorsese, announces the Coen’s for Best Achievement in Directing. Ethan makes the same speech, “Uh, thank you.” Joel Coen waxes about their first film, Henry Kissinger: Man on the Go. Personally, I think Paul Thomas Anderson should have won.

Denzel Washington, with an unattractive goatee beard thing hangin’ on his face (hopefully for a film), announces the winner for Best Picture – No Country for Old Men. Bleck. There Will Be Blood should have won. Boring producer drones on and gives accolades to Miramax. Strange that the cast didn’t come onto the stage.

It’s over! My butt is sore. Time to switch channels and find the gay guys and catty women picking apart the fashion delights and disasters. Here are my picks for the evening:

Best joke: Thank God for teen pregnancy
Worst joke: Olympia Dukakis ties with Barak Obama name riff
Scariest kiss: Javier Bardem and mom
Sexiest dress: Rene Zellweger
Best Feather Duster Dress: Penelope Cruz edging out Jennifer Garner because she used actual feathers!
Worst philanthropic move: red dresses! It was a menstrual nightmare out there.
Best cartoon dress: Diablo (Wilma Flintstone) with a slight edge on Cate (Isis) and Jennifer Husdon (Betty Rubble)
Scariest dress: Tilda’s capped crusader
Most lovable winners: Glen and Marketa
Biggest mistake: Tilda over Cate
Thickest brogue: Glen Hansard edging out McAvoy and Farrell
Best recovery: John bringing Marketa back onstage for her words of hope and inspiration
Sexiest man: Josh Brolin looking scrumptious without scruff; Diane is one lucky gal

SUMMARY: This had to be the most boring Oscar show ever. John, when did you become so bland? – ARGH!

My predictions for next year – new host, Jack still in front row, and LOTS of Disney/ABC pimping.

And PLEASE, for the love of fashion, get rid of the red anywhere but the carpet – I refer to the carpet on the floor.